2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
February 26, 2019
Today it has been two months exactly since my love passed away on that snowy mountain the day after Christmas. Most days I feel as if I’m motoring through my tasks. Up. Shower. Coffee. Drive to work. More coffee. Work 8-9 hours. (Sometimes more coffee) Drive home. Dinner. Family connect. Weep. Bed.
Then repeat the next day.
I don’t know how I have made it this many days without Craig. So much has changed. Some of the changes I refuse to accept. Like being a single mom. I don’t feel like a single mom. And the label “widow.” No, thank you. I want to still be a wife. I still wear my wedding ring and my anniversary ring. And his wedding ring on a necklace that I never take off. And please don’t call me “Ms. Jutila.” I can’t fathom being single or widowed.
The thing is I don’t feel alone. I feel like Craig is still here. There are so many reminders of him all around me. And I feel like God is literally with me carrying me through these hard days.
I am often reminded of His love in the words of a song, a card in the mail box or a bouquet of flowers. Or sometimes its as simple as a kiss on the nose from my kitty, a warm hug from my mom or an encouraging text. At just the right time. Saying just the right thing…..
It’s crazy how often that happens. I just have to be mindful enough to notice it.
I am so thankful for the family/army of God. I do not know how anyone could deal with such a loss without God or His family.
When I am most sad, I sit down and write a thank you note to someone who has shown up for us. And then another. Until I am reminded that God is faithful and will continue to be faithful to me. No matter what. Each night, I get out my Bible or a devotional and I read God’s truth before collapsing on the bed for some sleep.
I was reading in Streams in The Desert on Feb 26th and highlighted these words by Charles Spurgeon, “Oh people of God, be great believers! Little Faith will bring souls to heaven, but great faith will bring heaven to your souls.” Wow. I love that thought… Heaven to my soul. Heaven is so much sweeter now that Craig is there. I long for Heaven. For the day we will be reunited. But I don’t want to die. It’s not like that. I have work to do here still on earth. My kids need me. I want to live. But I want to live with Heaven in my soul. Being reminded that the day-to-day grind, is not all I have to live for. This life on earth is but a blip in the whole scope of eternity. I want to do it well. Love well. Live well. Trust well.
And further down I read this, “There is always a large balance credited to our account in the bank of heaven. It is waiting for us to exercise our faith to draw on it. Draw heavily on God’s resources.” This convicted me as well. “I believe you care about my house and will help me find a nice one.” I wrote in the margin. Buying a home in San Jose is no easy task. Even with two incomes. And now I’m in the bracket of “first time buyer” homes. And how will I buy a house without Craig? This is a big deal….we do big deals together. I can get caught up in fear just thinking about that. But no, I will choose to believe that God will take care of that large detail. How can He not care about something that big, when He has shown me He cares about the little things in life?
A few nights later, I paged through one of Craig’s journals to find these same quotes written out on a page. Tell me that isn’t God speaking to me! ❤️
Truth. God is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18.
I promise you. I’m living proof. You can trust God to be there for you too. I wanted to share this song with you that has been such an encouragement to me recently. “O Lord” by Lauren Daigle.
Blessings on you,
Mary