I “lost” my journal somehow in my move and made an entry in my other one…which I have mostly been keeping as a “To Do” journal. I’ve kept all the funeral arrangements, lists of people to thank, etc. in that one. I had totally forgotten that my real journal was in my new pencil case that Craig gave me for Christmas. My brain is functioning so poorly these days. I think that has been the most frustrating thing for me-not being able to remember important things, forgetting things, LOSING things, getting lost in the middle of a conversation with someone, etc. I realize that I used to be pretty proud of my quick brain and multi-tasking skills. All that is gone now. It has been replaced by something known as “grief brain.”
I so hate it.
Is this how people with ADD who are unmedicated feel everyday? I think I’m self medicating with caffeine. Drinking way too much of that at times, but it feels like the only way I can function. And by function, I mean go to work each day. I’m not 100% and am reminded of it daily…with all of my lost things. At night, I sit next to a huge picture of Craig and take out my Bible and read. Jesus speaks to me through his Word and encourages me.
I want to share a few verses that I have been holding on to in this time.
I will brighten the darkness before them
and smooth out the road ahead of them.
Yes, I will indeed do these things;
I will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16 NLT
And these verses just keeps showing up everywhere…
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you by name;
You are mine,
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
your will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, YOUR God,
the Holy One of Israel.
YOUR SAVIOR!
Isaiah 43: 1-3a
Change has been enormous for me.
New house, new job, new friends, new co-workers, new students, new town, new life, really.
I look back and think, “Wow! It’s been over 9 months and I’m still standing.” I’m not a puddle of tears most of the time. I’m getting along okay. I still cry suddenly without warning. Sometimes I am crying and don’t even realize it until the wet tears drip down. Some days/times it is hard to get up and go to work. And sometimes my heart physically hurts from the pain. I’m lonely. I miss Craig’s presence in my life - his touch-his voice-his laughter!! His wisdom-his parenting-his leadership. I think to myself, “I don’t want to do all this alone. I can’t do all this alone.” And then God reminds me in some spectacular way….I’m not alone. I haven’t been alone one second. He has been there for me, answering my prayers providing for my needs, sending comfort through friends and family. He has been so very faithful and I am so grateful for that.
I just have to share a couple of the cool ways that God has shown his love to me and my kids.
1) Karimy’s bike was stolen out of our locked backyard at our new house. We were sooo bummed about this because she had just gotten this bike. It wasn’t new but was new to her and just perfect in so many ways. The kids and I love to ride to the little town of Willow Glen, not far from our home and get an ice cream or a slice of pizza or just hang out. So I posted on Facebook some pictures and asked my neighborhood community to look out for it. There were some who said, “You’ll never get that bike back. The police don’t care about bike theft, etc.” But I thought, “You don’t know my God.”
Our bikes locked up outside the Willow Glen Starbucks and Fondue looking on!
And we prayed and we drove around looking for it. And Alec went out looking in the homeless camps not too far from where we live. Then a few days later, someone spotted a large man riding Karimy’s bike down the street and took a video of it, posted it to Facebook with the cross streets. My son, Alec, aka Bike Detective, was on it. Later that day, he found the man with the her bike and called the Sheriff… and we got the bike back! A miracle for sure. But also a big hug from our Heavenly Father.
My hero and bike detective, awesome big brother, Alec!
2) I didn’t want to change jobs. I really liked the kids and the teachers in the last district I was working in. But I needed a full time job. So I prayed and asked God to please let the district give me a 100% position (instead of an 80%). I spoke to my principal and even the District Superintendent and was told that yes, they wanted to keep me and would do what they could for me to go full time.
Meanwhile, I started applying to other jobs and asked God to please lead me where he would have me go. When Union School District called for an interview, I went in reluctantly but surprisingly, I came out with a peace knowing that I could be happy there. I prayed, “God open the doors and close the doors.” And I’ll follow. Show me what to do. But please, if you’re asking me…I’m tired of all this change. Can I just have something stay consistent? (sniff) Can I just stay in my current job where Craig painted the cabinets red for me and helped me put up my bulletin boards?”
In the end, God answered my prayers for clarity by closing the door in my old district and opening the one In Union. This wasn’t without tears. Three months into my new job, I can tell you that it has been such a blessing. It is closer to my house, my caseload is smaller and I only work at one school instead of two! And while I miss my old students, He has given me some delightful….wait for it…. MIDDLE Schoolers. I never thought I would love working with Middle Schoolers but I really do. To top it all off, Karimy got a job here working as a Behavior Interventionist in the district and just loves it. Now we are on the same school calendar so our holidays all match up! God totally saw this and even though he told me “No” it was for my own good…and also for my family’s.
My new office inside the library at UMS.
3) Lastly, I’ve lost two really important things. My car keys (mail key, house key, alarm fob attached) and Craig’s iPad. The second one doesn’t compare to the first because of its sentimentalism. Craig used this iPad to preach, to journal, to watch movies in the car (even while driving. Of course, he told me he was just listening to the movies!) I didn’t even realize I was missing it for several weeks, with all the crazy of the new school year. And was sure it was somewhere in the house. But when I used the find my iPad, it didn’t show up…battery dead? So I sent a sound to it. But nothing, for weeks. Until just last week. I got an email saying that the iPad had sent a sound. Real quick, I checked it’s location and here is where it was….
Find my iPad screenshot!
Scottsboro, Alabama! What? I haven’t been there ever… I did some research and found out that Southwest Airlines has their central lost and found in Alabama so I submitted a lost item report. The next day I got a call from Clay and explained my story. He looked but said it wasn’t there. And then said it may be in another facility…the Unclaimed Baggage Store. This is the place where they sell the unclaimed items and give the money to charity. He assured me he would try his best and get back to me. I texted all my friends and family and asked them to pray. But nothing…days passed by, the iPad location no longer showed up and I got discouraged. Surely someone had bought my iPad and erased it by now. A friend told me to email the picture of where the iPad was last showing up. So I did. Then my sister Sherry called and offered to take it on. She was relentless in calling and researching and told me the next auction was on October 22nd so we had to keep trying. Then one morning, I was awakened to a phone call from Scottsboro, Alabama. Clay had found it! And shipped it right back to me. Thank you, Lord! Do I need that iPad? Not really. But do I want it….oh yes, I do so much want to have it. And God, heard the cry of my heart and answered with a yes. I count this as another miracle.
When the iPad arrived, it came with this note, and my “lost message” still on the screen.
These blessings (and others) help me to remember that God knows, He hears and He cares. He sees us in our pain, walking through the fire, and He is watching out for us. As we lean into Him, trusting Him, submitting to His will and not our own…He walks with us..hand in hand. And whispers, “I am the Lord Your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior! I’ve got you!”
Friends, whatever you are going through, big or small, I would encourage you to take it to Him. Pour out your heart to Him and be open to where He leads you. It may not be your first choice, but it will be your best choice…if it’s God’s plan for you. And be encouraged that He loves you and cares enough to show up in your life, even in the little details. Lean IN to him in prayer and mediate on His word daily. You will feel your burdens being carried each day as you hold on to His promises.
I leave you with a song that has been encouraging me.
Blessings,
Mary
Everything I Need by Kutless