Step 1: A Step Forward
As parents we need to “lean in” to our children. Take interest in what they are doing, where they are going, and who they are becoming.
Ask questions that require a response other than “yeah,” “no,” “okay” and “fine.” I know, trying to get a response out of older children can take a bit of creative energy and may require the strength and precision of an experienced dentist trying to pull a tooth but important never-the-less.
A conversation in our home would often sound like this:
Mom or Dad: “How was your day at school?”
One of Our Three Kids: “Fine.”
Mom or Dad: “Thats great, tell me more about it.”
One of Our three Kids: “Nothing really to tell!”
My wife Mary, a Speech Pathologist, tells me to ask “Open ended questions” rather than “Conversation ending” questions. An open-ended question is one that can not be answered in one word. An example of this is a yes/no question like, “Did you have a good day at school?” An open ended question is one that asks who, what, when, where, why or how. It includes asking feeling questions. Sometimes its as easy as saying, “Tell me about your practice.” or “Tell me about your day.” or “How do you feel about your new job?”
Stepping forward and leaning in suggests looking for them when they are lost and afraid as well and I don’t mean physically lost. Back in Genesis 3:9 we see God walking in the garden after Adam and Eve had made a mistake, covered up and were hiding. God’s words in that moment were, “Where are you?”
God obviously wasn’t looking for their physical whereabouts but rather the state of their heart, their emotions, their current situation. Was it uncomfortable for the children in the garden? Yes. Was it necessary? Yes.
When our children make mistakes, and they will make mistakes,
it’s important to understand what and how they feel.
A usual response is shame. Sure, a consequence may be in order, it was in the garden, but it was preceded by a questions, “Where are you?” I would modernize this to, “How are you?”
A usual response is shame. Sure, a consequence may be in order, it was in the garden, but it was preceded by a questions, “Where are you?” I would modernize this to, “How are you?”
When talking to your kids you, like us, may get the usual response, “Fine,” but don’t stop there. Continue to step forward, lean in and listen to the response, validate how they are feeling, and don’t retreat. Our children need to know they are loved and that we care about who they are, and who they are becoming. They may perceive our questions as prying and that’s okay.
If you look back at Genesis 3 would you say that God was prying into the lives of Adam and Eve? Probably not. We perceive God in this narrative as taking a step toward His precious creation because they felt shame and needed connection. The same is true of each of our children.
When they hide, pursue. Ask questions to draw them out from behind the trees and into a place of love and security where shame can be dissolved. Yes, it may be tough in the moment but when they are older they will recall that, no matter what happened, no matter what choice(s) they made, you were right there, in the garden with them, leaning in, taking a step forward.
Photo Credit: shutterstock.com Image ID: 420635266 c pliona