Without question, 100% of the time, when I am speaking at a parenting or family conference answering the Modern Family Question, "What Should I Do When My Kids Are Rude?" I will encounter this scenario...
Craig to Audience: "Take the next minute and discuss with the person next to you what kind of rude behaviors your child or children display on occasion. When the time is up I will ask for a few responses."
Audience to Craig: "Talking back, interrupting, arguing, not saying please or thank you, entitlement, eye rolling."
Eye rolling always comes up and that's when I stop the audience feedback and ask the mom (it's always a mom who will bring this up) and ask her to repeat what she just said so everyone can hear. "I said, eye rolling." Here is my response back to the mom.
Craig To Mom: "Let me guess, you have a daughter between the ages of 10 and 13?"
Mom To Craig: "Yes!"
How do I know she has a daughter between the ages of 10 and 13? Parental experience first and talking to moms across the country second. Of course there is always an exception to the rule but it is rare.
For those of us that have the occasional experience with eye rolling while walking away from us mumbling I have a question, what can we do about it? What can we do to get the eyes to stay focused, the feet to stay put and to keep the words legible? Here are a couple of thoughts for all of us.
What To Do About It
1. Decide Why The Behavior Is Happening
Question 1: Has your child had a bad day and is just frustrated with life in general?
Question 2: Is your child being relationally defiant and openly disrespectful to you?
How we answer the above questions, I believe, should determine our response.
Question 1: Has your child had a bad day and is just frustrated with life in general?
Situation: You are about to finish up a strong disagreement with your teenage daughter over something she said to you that was disrespectful. Now, wait for it, your daughter rolls her eyes, turns on her heels, says, "you shfmwdl shwmad gremsdk," How do you respond?
If your child has already been experiencing a bad day maybe you just let the behavior go, for now. I am not saying you don't address the behavior later, what I am, saying is you don't address it now. As a parent I welcome a little grace when I have had a bad day and I behave like a child. Perhaps your teenage daughter would appreciate the same?
Once things have cooled down you can talk to your daughter in a normal voice and with a heart full of grace, mercy and love tell her that despite her "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," the behavior she showed to you earlier was disrespectful and inappropriate.
Question 2: Is your child being relationally defiant and openly disrespectful to you?
Situation: After dinner you are having a conversation with your daughter and as she is about to abandon the kitchen when you tell her to stop and help clean the kitchen before she leaves. She turns around and gives you an earful of how it's not fair that she has to help clean the kitchen and she reminds you about all her homework and how stressed she is.
After you explain how life isn't fair she finishes the kitchen, reluctantly, and wants to get off a final shot before retiring to her room. Now, wait for it, your daughter rolls her eyes, turns on her heels, says, "you shfmwdl shwmad gremsdk," How do you respond?
To me this requires a different responses. Something like...
Response: ”Stop right there young lady. Come here."
You don't have to yell, just get her attention. You are letting her know that she is not going to dodge this conversation or behavior.
I believe this differs from the first response because no matter what you do in the first scenario it's going to turn out bad. Sure, you can tell her to stop, turnaround and give her a lecture. I've been there done that and I will tell you, it never ends well.
Honestly, haven’t we all been there? You know, when everything that could go wrong during the day did go wrong. You have reached the end of your rope and you don't care if you let go! Pushing your daughter into a confrontation while she is emotionally dysregulated may not be the best choice.
I'm reminded in Ephesians 6:4 MSG, "Don't exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master."
Remember, you aren't letting the behavior go, you are letting it wait. Okay? Back to the second scenario. Now that your daughter has turned back around and has managed to creep back over to you you can say...
Response: ”Look at me."
Usually they will be looking everywhere but at you. The importance of “look at me” is simple. You are telling them this is a defining moment and you want all of their attention. You want them looking into your eyes.
Response: ”You are my daughter and I love you and you may not talk to me in that tone of voice or walk away from me when I am talking to you. It's rude and disrespectful. Do you understand?"
Validate their feelings and who they are. You are my daughter and I love you! I want the best for you, you are priceless to me and because I love you, you may not, as in never, talk to me that way and with that tone.
Notice the last three words, "Do you understand?" That's a question that is asking for a specific answer, either yes, or no. You are not asking for a cutting comeback, clever commentary, or creative collaboration. It's yes or no. If they say anything else besides yes or no you simply repeat the question, "Do you understand?"
You don't engage them any other way and the reason you don’t is because you are a loving parent who wants the best for their child and, you don't argue with thirteen year olds!
If the behavior continues, and it will, remember, “Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master" guiding them with appropriate consequences for their behavior. Remind them of the consequence you have previously talked about for this kind of behavior. Here are a few you may want to explore.
- Loosing their cell phone for an hour.
- Loosing their cell phone for 24 hours.
- Missing out on an event with friends.
Behavior in kids and adults change over time, not over night. Stay the course, hang in there and, if you have to, remind yourself that everyone else with a daughter between the ages of 10 and 13 are in the same boat! Maybe, just maybe, you will feel like you are not alone.
Keep Calm & Parent On!