5 Mistakes Every Youth Worker Makes and How to Avoid Them (part 1)

Youth ministry is unique. It’s the perfect combination of something you love to do and have a lot of excitement and passion for...while at the same time feel isolated, defeated, and question why you’re even involved.

But there is good news. Many of the mistakes we make are predictable. If we think through what we might anticipate, we’ll be able to avoid them or, at least, minimize any potential damage. I have first hand experience with each of these mistakes.

1) Expect Too Much (often a rookie mistake)
If you’re new in ministry, you likely have grand plans and vision that would make corporate giants want to hire you as a a consultant. Vision is a good problem! It’s important to set big goals and believe we serve the God of the impossible. Therefore, we need to dream big and pray for miracles. The challenge, however, is that when our expectations are not met, we can think there's something wrong with us, our church, our students, other leaders, or parents.

Solution:

1. Dream big, but thank God for the results...even if they fail to come close to your expectations.
2. Take notes. What did you learn from the experience? What did you learn about how you led, how students responded, how the event or small group was scheduled.
3. Get ready for the next lesson or event...because it’s probably just a week away.

2) Not Patient (often a rookie mistake)
Rick Warren teaches that we overestimate what we can do in a year and underestimate what we can do in ten years. We are victims of a microwave society. Since we have access to instant coffee, fast food, and social media devices that instantly connect us, we expect instant disciples. A student confesses an addiction to food, sex, or alcohol, and we’re frustrated when he or she isn’t “fixed” a week later.

Solution:

1. Slow down and stay put. The biggest impact you can make is to stay involved in the same ministry for years. Or, choose to follow a group of students until they graduate--from college! Start working w/ 6 or 7th graders and stay with them until the graduate from high school. Then stay engaged with them afterwards, too.
2. Celebrate baby steps of faith. Maybe the students you work with can’t walk on water, but if they give up a Saturday night to serve senior citizens, that’s equally miraculous.

To be continued...

Spiritual Maturity: A Note to Youth Workers

If you’re like me, you’re quick to condemn parents who don’t appear to take a more active role in supporting the youth group. And by condemn, I don’t mean verbally bashing parents or other nay-sayers. Instead, it’s the internal condemnation that presents a smile as the acid of anger and bitterness rip apart your stomach lining, regardless of how much Maalox you ingest.

• You’re frustrated when parents don’t give the nudge or shove you think would help their child participate
• You smile and nod as parents give yet another excuse as to why their child won’t be attending a retreat or activity
• You walk away dejected when you hear a few parents question or demean the youth group, with little to no resistance from usually supportive parents

That’s frustrating and, likely, undeserving. Or is it? True, the gossip that flitters from family to family is never OK, nor are the thoughtless and often demeaning remarks about the youth program or your perceived work ethic. But sometimes parents have a right to be leery of offering their full support. Have we as youth workers created an environment that parents can support?

There is no perfect youth group. There is no perfect program. There is no perfect youth ministry model. In fact, there are no perfect youth workers. But in my nearly twenty-five years in ministry (the majority with students) and fourteen years as a parent, I have not found parents looking for perfection. Some do present themselves that way, but once you crack their cold, professional exterior, you’ll find broken people who love their kids and are desperate for help. Parents aren’t looking for perfection, but they are looking for three things: 

Safety
Before you tune out and shout, “The gospel isn’t safe!” be sure you understand what kind of safety parents desire. Parents will support your mission trip to third-world countries and inner-city neighborhoods. They will get behind you challenging their teen to live holy lives in an unholy world. Heck, if it were legal, they might even participate in their own round of Chubby Bunny. Ultimately, parents want to know that we have a clue. They want to know when they leave their child under our supervision, that we will care for their child’s physical, emotional, and spiritual health. It means we take time to think through how we welcome students, how we discipline them, how we split up teams or groups. Parents want us to care for their kids like they would. And that’s reasonable. 

Clarity
Some parents understand ministry philosophy and strategy, and they’ll have opinions whether or not they agree with yours. But most–even the opinionated ones–just want to know that you’ve thought through why you’re doing what you’re doing. Parents have a right to expect their church youth group to be different from the school’s social clubs. They want their kids to yell and scream and have fun, but they also want their kids to be challenged spiritually. They’ll want their kids to have a heart for children around the world, but they also want them to stop bullying their brothers and sisters. Parents want us to put effort into praying for and planning the ministry calendar. And that’s reasonable. 

Communication
As a parent, I’m frustrated when my school gives me information about an upcoming event, only to change it at the last minute. It’s also aggravating to not find out about an event until an hour before. Granted, sometimes a school or teacher has no control over last-minute changes, and often I don’t find out about events because my children have failed to communicate with me. The issue isn’t whether or not that happens; it’s whether or not that is a pattern. Youth workers need to make clear communication with parents a priority. Whether you haven’t done that in the past because you’re intimidated by parents or because you’ve never thought about it, now is the time to improve. Our technological age provides numerous ways to communicate. And while you don’t have to use each and every mode, focus on one or two and do them well. Parents want to know what’s going on in our youth groups. And that’s reasonable.

Sometimes a parent’s frustration can be ignored, and other times it can sound an alarm. Are we as youth workers providing a ministry context that is safe, has a plan, and clearly communicates what’s happening? If so, thats a healthy start.

To be continued....

Think About It

1. Why does your youth group exist? What are its goals?
2. How often do you communicate with families, as a group and as individuals?
3. Do you have a youth ministry strategy that makes sense? Even if it’s not where you want it to be, are you beginning to lay a solid foundation?

Spiritual Maturity: A Note to Parents

Hi, my name is Gregg, and I may no longer be popular. This is something that has needed to be said for a long time. I’m certain I will infuriate some, offend several and, hopefully, motivate a few. But I’ve got to address parenting and priorities. I’m writing with the hope that this will provide talking points around the dinner table and action steps in family’s lives.

I’ve listened to parents lament that their child does not feel part of our youth group, and I’ve consoled parents when their college freshmen have made unhealthy choices. But many of those outcomes stem from what I believe are misplaced priorities.

Our church recently had a Jr High retreat, an event in which I highly encouraged parents to register their child. Yet, these are some of the reasons parents shared as to why their child would not participate:

• She has a marching band competition that she can't miss.
• He can’t go because he has a soccer game.
• She has three things she has to do that can't be rescheduled.
• He has to meet with his tutor to prep for a test.
• School commitments take up so much of her time.

All of the above are excellent activities and, honestly, reasonable explanations for why their child would not attend. I’m not criticizing the excuses, nor am I isolating the activities. What concerns me is that parents often fail to lead their children with the end goal in mind. Parents claim to have goals for their children, but I fear they are not the best goals.

I have three children, two of them teenagers, and I want them to be physically fit, adept in social settings, achieve all they can academically, and plenty of other laudable goals. But my greatest desire, my biggest prayer, is that they would be spiritually mature. In fact, I am willing to sacrifice their education, their chair in the orchestra, or time on the playing field for them to walk out of my home and into the world prepared to succeed as best as possible.

Some might retort, “My child needs to do well in school or athletics in order to get into a top college. That has to take priority.” Again, hear my heart: I agree that is a valuable priority, but even if your son or daughter gets a full scholarship, unless he or she has the skills and knowledge necessary to overcome peer and intellectual pressure, that scholarship may end up being withdrawn or traded for unhealthy lifestyle choices. I’m all for education, but not at the expense of my children’s mental, emotional, or spiritual health.

I think the reason I have not addressed this in the past is because it only affected me as a youth worker. While I believed the same things years ago, I feel them so much more because I am a parent who often fails to have the end goal in mind. I am a parent who wrestles with priorities, and whether or not my children can skip church this week or next. I recognize now, more than ever, that the sand in my “kids at home” hourglass is all too quickly running out. I feel the pressure to do everything perfectly so that my kids don’t end up as statistics, don’t get hurt by their choices, and don’t miss out on all God has for them. Of course, perfect parenting is foolish. It’s both a  heavy burden and an impossible aspiration. So, I don’t strive for perfection, but the cry of my heart is that I make a right decision...today. And maybe another one tomorrow. How about a few next week?

Of course, sprinkled within and around those good parenting choices are plenty of horrible ones. But I am looking to the future, praying for help, and seeking to connect with my kids today. And sometimes it means my kids miss a soccer game or don’t get to attend their play practice because I want them to attend a church event to further mold and develop their spiritual hearts.  May God help us all as we parent. 

To be continued....

Talk About It As a Family
1. What goals does our family have for the health of the kids?
2. Is it ever OK for an activity or goal to take the place of church or youth group? When?
3. What are 1-2 things we can do as a family this week to help us connect with one another and with God?

Three Little Things That Make a BIG Difference

Little things matter and we know it. We’ve all been irritated by the pebble in our shoe, the mosquito in our sleep, and the fart in the elevator. All require attention, whether we want to give it or not. 

The same is true with ministry, except in a positive way. These little things also get attention, but instead of repelling they attract; instead of frustrating, they encourage.

1) Handwritten notes
You may not be aware, but we still have a postal service. In our electronic age, it’s easy to forget, particularly when postal carriers only deliver bills, junk mail, and oversized postcards advertising church services (oops, that was our church). But they’re allowed to deliver good news, too, so give them a chance. I can’t tell you how many student and leader homes I’ve been in that have a postcard I sent hanging on a wall or refrigerator. It has double impact when sending to students, because parents also see them. I can vouch for that when one of my female leaders sent a card to my daughter. Not only was I encouraged (it’s nice when other people build into your child), but my daughter was, too--as evidenced by the card hanging on her wall.

2) Going to games & events
I’ve had several students act indifferent to my attendance at their event, but often their parents call or email to say how excited their teen was that I came. You may not be able to tell by their body language, but their hearts fill. I still laugh at the extreme response given by Chet. I told him I planned on going to his game, but I guess he didn’t believe me. When I arrived in the 3rd inning, I sat in the shade, just off the foul line in right field. Chet saw me while his team was at bat. He left the dugout and jogged out to where I sat and thanked me for coming. I reminded him the game was still going on and that he should probably be with his team, but his ear-to-ear grin cemented in my heart the power of presence.

3) Encouraging parents
I’m weak at this one. Actually, I’m terrible since I can’t think of a simple example of when I’ve done this. But I know it’s important and parents crave it. Part of my problem is that I forget the role parents should have in my ministry. I’m quick to complain about their lack of involvement, but I’m also guilty of not providing opportunities. This is my practice point this week and this summer. I’m going to make calls, write notes, and meet parents for coffee--all with the express purpose of bragging on their kids and finding out how I can pray for them.

Little things matter. Got an itch in an awkward spot? I bet you’ll get creative to scratch it. Our students and parents are itching to be loved and affirmed. Let’s scratch that itch.

Think About It:
1. Who are three people you can write a note to this week? (Don’t forget to buy stamps.)
2. What student can you pop in to see at work or other activity this week or next? (Don’t forget to check their schedule.)
3. What parent have you not connected with lately? Pick a time TODAY to make a call or send an email. (I’m doing it now...DONE!)

Question: What other LITTLE things can make a BIG difference in ministry?

5 Decisions to Make This School Year

While students are carefully deciding what they’re going to wear on the first day of school or who they hope to date, youth leaders also have important decisions to make.

1) What is your ministry’s purpose?In other words, why do you exist? More importantly, how does it reveal itself in your programming, advertising, and the overall vibe of your ministry? I can tell you we exist so students can ‘Dare to Love, Serve, and Lead.’ But I can also tell you that you would never have known that the second half of last school year. We stopped talking about it and it ceased to be a priority. Come up with a biblically sound statement, but then do something with it.

2) What are your ministry goals?
This is directly connected to #1 and adds meat to your ministry skeleton. Having a purpose statement is important, but it’s meaningless if you don’t have goals directly connected to it. You don’t always have to have ground breaking goals. It’s OK to say you want to have a “10% increase in mission trip participation.” But connect that goal to your ministry purpose so both fit hand-in-hand. 

3) What is your ministry theme for the year? (or semester)
A theme actually keeps the purpose alive and the goals relevant. Our purpose statement can quickly be forgotten. But if I say “this semester we’re focusing on risk [ministry theme] because that’s what our youth group is about. We will dare to love, serve, and lead [ministry purpose], and one goal for our year is to have the most students attend this year’s retreat [ministry goal]. Sometimes it’s risky to invite friends, but that’s what ‘dare’ means. We dare you to step out in faith.” 

4) What are your personal goals?
Stop thinking about ministry so much! We need to be passionate and excited about what we do in ministry, but we also need to have a life. When was the last time you went out with friends who were not students or youth leaders? Do you have any? When was the last time a student asked what you did Friday night and thought you were weird? Do things YOU care about. Learn things YOU want to learn. Go to movies YOU want to see because you like an actor, genre, or director...not to find a good illustration. 

5) What kind of attitude do you have for ministry this school year?
You won’t always be excited and in love with God, students, and ministry. But it sure helps if you were more often than not. You’re not helping anyone if you’re making it a habit of pretending. I’ve been there and it’s lonely, dangerous and harmful. If you’re struggling, talk to friends. Talk to a therapist. Have a heart to heart with God. This may be there year to step away for a season of ministry, or this may be the year to expect a break through.

You’ll have to make plenty of decisions this school year, but don’t ignore these questions. How you respond will in many ways determine how your ministry year goes. As well as your personal and mental health.